Techniques are in big demand nowadays – we’ve been led to believe that this is what we need – a good technique, if we want to accomplish anything. Anytime we find ourselves “in trouble”, the first thing we focus on is “what is the best thing To Do in order to get to where I want?”
Question: What would need to be true for us, to do that – to look for a way ‘to operate UPON a particular situation? To look for what to Do, rather than what to Be, for resolving it?
Obviously, we need to see ourselves as Separate of that situation and of the other people involved. We want a particular outcome to unfold and we use techniques to control the external circumstances to make that possible. We start from the presumption that what makes that outcome possible is a particular external circumstance. Thus, we focus on controlling the external circumstances…
Paradoxically, however, we live through a different understanding when it comes to our bodies. And, I would say, this understanding works much better and much more effective.
Think of this for a moment…
– you’re standing on a boat, floating through the waves
– you want to walk from one end to the other of it
– however, the waves are shaking the boat
Question:
– are you looking for a technique to control the waves (i.e., the external circumstances)?
– or are you focusing on maintaining the balance of your body, knowing that this is how you increase the chances for you to reach to the other end of the boat? And, even if you use various ‘helping techniques’, you know that their true and first purpose is maintaining the balance of your body, rather than manipulating the conditions, or even than ‘getting there’ – because we intrinsically Know that “walking” is not separated from our body… our body Makes the ‘walking’.
I bet that the second answer make the best sense to you…
What if this is what we first and foremost need, if we want to create in Alignment to the Natural Order of Things: Balance of the Mind, Presence, Connection?
What if the purpose of a technique is to facilitate for Us to Connect and Become Present, rather than “making Them” behave in a particular way?
I found myself wasting a lot of time playing with my phone, tweaking its settings or playing games, etc – perhaps you can relate to that, too. Not doing anything in particular, just pushing buttons, curious of what happens if I do it, then evaluate and continue from there…
I was thinking “This is what Play actually means: throw the ball in the air and see what happens; then, wherever it happens for the ball to fall, we continue from there… basically, put things in motion and then go along with whatever unfolds.”
For a while, I was blaming myself for wasting time. Then, a better question came up: Why are we doing it?
And the answer is that Play is what we are supposed to do, it’s our natural state in which we learn and thrive. Thus, in a world where we are all habituated to Work/ to “endure” the activity for the sake of a promised outcome, we take any chance to “escape” that and fall into Play/ enjoying the activity for its own sake.
Time and time again, we “slip” back into Work, by playing the game with an Expectation to win, by becoming frustrated if we don’t.
Interestingly enough, although we have an intention to “win” the game, winning is not really the main part. How do I know that? Imagine playing a game, and that you are Always winning…. Yes, at the beginning you’ll feel good, but, after a while, I bet you’ll get bored and you’ll start a different game.
In exchange, take a look at how we are running our lives: we want the “success” and we go after this outcome as if our lives depend on it. We turned our lives into Work. We “force” things into happening, forgetting or ignoring that we are all connected and part of a bigger entity. For that entity to function harmoniously, all integrant parts must work together harmoniously – like a clock. Think for a moment what happens if a wheel within a clock starts to “take charge”, “make things happen” and act in its own interest, disregarding the rest of the mechanism…
I also believe that this “entity” that we are part of (call it Nature, Universe, etc) does not exist for its own benefit, but for ours. Thus, when one has a desire and it allows the “entity” to find a harmonious way to bring that into existence (i.e., without imposing into the functioning of the whole), then the probability for it to happen increases.
That’s where Play comes in handy, because one still has to Act. When one is Acting without Forcing things, but by Playing – by putting things in motion, by “throwing the ball in the air” and then, wherever the ball falls, going from there. You’re not imposing the ball to fall on a particular spot, you allow the Nature to determine where the ball falls. Then, you take it from there and throw it again towards your goal.
That’s Influence and that’s Living in alignment with the Natural Order of Things.
The reason people engage in any Exchange of Value (i.e., they buy things) is to improve the situation they are in now.
That means that, first of all, they need to recognize and admit that they Have a Problem.
Secondly, for the client to be able to evaluate the way your Solution will solve their Problem, they must allow themselves to “have an experience” of that Solution; to allow themselves to fully imagine what their life would be like if they owned it.
If they like what they feel and if the exchange is fair, they will buy. If they don’t like it, then you don’t want them as clients.
In other words, as a salesperson, after the prospect admits having a Problem, your aim is to facilitate for them to “have an experience” of what you have to offer. For that, they need to feel safe and secure in your presence, without any pressure (any pressure from your part will automatically ignite their resistance). They need to feel Connection with you.
The most effective way to go about that is for you to be Present, Non-Attached and Playful.
We enter every interaction with (at least) two motivations; one is Primary and one is Secondary. My Primary focus will determine the dynamic of that interaction and it will either hinder or facilitate the achievement of the Secondary intention. In a way, the Primary intention is the “channel” through which we reach our Secondary intention.
When you meet a salesperson who obviously wants something From you, how interested will you be in opening yourself and creating a true relationship with that person?
How would that be different if that salesperson conveys that they are alright regardless of your buying decision? Moreover, not only they are alright, but they are so genuinely detached of that outcome that they afford to take their time to learn about you as a person, to be curious about you as a human being. And, if they were to graciously ask you if you want to know about their product, how much more open will you be to say Yes to that, knowing that you can trust them for not using any “tactics” to “make you buy”?
Brian Tracy (or Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi?) said somewhere that we achieve the most important things in life by focusing on something else – for instance, we find happiness by doing something we love…
Next time you enter a sales interaction, Choose Connection as your Main intention and BE that person… This doesn’t mean that you don’t want them to buy, only that it would be Secondary to you. The more genuine the Connection (and your non-attachment to the outcome), the more likely they will trust you and will actually Listen to you when you’ll be talking about your Secondary intention.
I think of a relationship the same way as I think of a flower. How can you “create” a flower? A flower “happens” when you remove the restrictions that prevent it from “happening”. The presupposition is that the flower “wants” to grow and you can only facilitate the conditions for it to grow, all by itself, by removing the hindrances.
You don’t “build” a relationship by using a hammer and nails, but by planting a seed and creating the conditions for that seed to emerge on its own.
The same goes for love.
Yes, I agree, you could labor a relationship using superficial appearances and acting as to make-believe. But this would be superficial. Superficial is also insubstantial, and a relationship that’s not based on substance is not a real relationship.
Heart to Heart Selling blog 